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Tiptoeing through minefields
 
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Below are the 4 most recent journal entries recorded in polyhsv's LiveJournal:

Thursday, April 14th, 2005
9:55 am
To The Angel
To The Angel, by Abby Niebauer

What I longed for was your hands
all over my body, everywhere your light
fingertips brushing away
the sheen of decay that had settled
on my skin. Wherever
you touched me I lived
in your fingers, the whorls
on the tips as you carried me
into the next hour, the next day.

The line of your jaw is still plain
to these fingers that traced
the bone. Perhaps you hold
someplace in your palms my forehead,
the curve of my back.

I wanted you to cover me
with your hands as if
you were a sculptor
releasing me into my true form,
as if you were a god building me
out of clay, to be a long time
perishing, so newly formed
and handed over to morning, lingering
the months on my lips.
Wednesday, April 6th, 2005
12:41 am
Poem for today
The Thrifty Lover
by Marge Piercy

At the last moment you decided
to take the bus
rather than the plane,
to squander those hours
staring at your reflection
on a dark pane.

Then all night you rummaged
my flesh for some body else.
You pinched and kneaded
testing for ripeness, rot,
suspicious and about to reject me
or knock down the price.

You lectured me like a classroom
on your reading of the week,
used homilies, reconditioned anecdotes,
jokes with rebuilt transmissions.
All the time your eyes veered.
What's wrong? I would ask?

Nothing, you'd answer, eyes full
of nothing. He goes through women
quickly, a friend said, and now
I see how you pass through,
in a sealed train
leaving a hole like a tunnel.
Friday, April 1st, 2005
12:36 pm
introduction to me
"If You Want Me"
by Ellen Bass

you must approach
quietly as a doe
to the river for her evening drink
you must be slow as the
ripening of wood
with the patience of a village of weavers
bring into being one perfect carpet

if you touch me
all the tenderness
of fathers watching birth
must pass through your hands
and you must enter softly
as one day slips into the next
through a long summer of sunny afternoons

if I cry, if my sorrow is not more dear
than oceans of dolphins in the orange morning waves

if you will not lavish me until my body
like a dying fish, gives up
and I swim like I have flown in my dreams

if you are saving something
if you have not
made up your mind
do not come to me

for I have been wounded
I am a lioness, I am
no longer young.
Tuesday, April 20th, 2004
9:55 pm
Why?
I feared STDs my whole life.

Now after submitting to 'true love', I find myself dealing with reality: expose yourself, and you will take hits. I have taken hits. I risked, and lost.

The STDs were not the 'losing' part. STDs have taught me incredible amounts about myself, and those around me. The 'loss' was in realizing how dissapointingly shallow and cruel other humans can be. How easily they can shed their concern for you when it no longer suits them. How convenient it can be to deny responsibility, when they'd rather ignore the obvious and continue pleasure seeking behaviors.

I've also learned how to be boxed and set aside by those who dont' take the time to understand. It has become another filter through which I can gauge the depth and caring of a potential partner. There are plenty of people out there who risk being exposed to herpes every day, and they do it in a state of denial. I refuse to be their scapegoat, their untouchable, just becuase they don't care to see the reality of their risks.

I don't write often here. But I do read, and comment.
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